Friday, January 2, 2009

My Thoughts From Home in Virginia

You know, this is so hard. It is much harder than I even thought it would be. I sit here at the computer as much as I can...which really isn't until Gracie goes to sleep and I am left here to contemplate all that has transpired...just hoping HOPING that I will get an instant message from Van, and I look at all of the pictures and posts again and again. Just waiting.

I am so completely drawn to more than ever. I knew him immediately when I first saw his picture on the waiting child list so long ago. I knew he was meant to be our son. I had seen so many waiting children on so many lists, but he really grabbed me and threw me for a loop. It was all in his eyes, and just like Gracie, he was mine. He even looks like Gracie to me in so many ways. Someone asked me recently if it is possible to love Garrett right now..not really knowing him personally. I think it is very possible even though he is not at home with me yet. Just like a mother loves her unborn baby growing inside of her, I love my son, Garrett, in China. Earlier tonight, I sat there watching him sitting there next to Van via the videoconference, and I just wanted to reach through the computer to grab him and love on him. Van says there is a lot of baby still in him. I see that. I am so happy that we didn't miss out on all of that baby stuff with Garrett. He is just so beautiful and sweet and cuddles with Van already. I sat there watching my wonderful husband hold Garrett and rock him as Van tried to talk to me at the same time. Garrett was so sleepy and was putting his head on his shoulder. Van was rocking him just like he does Gracie at home at times. This was right before putting Garrett back to bed. Van is the most loving father on the planet, I think. So many others say the same. How many men would travel alone all the way around the world and take complete care of his child? Not many. Van is one in a million! He is, and that is why I married him. No words can sum up the love I feel for my sweet husband. I am so proud of him.

Then, I must address the feelings I have been having about the Chungs and what they are going through right now. I feel so strongly that someday Garrett is going to see these pictures of that day in Baotou, and he is going to realize how much he was and is loved by this family. I know this will lead to a million questions. I almost feel as if we have done Garrett some wrong by taking him away from this beautiful family. They love him so much! Thoughts go through my head like "What if I hadn't found him on that waiting child list?" and "Would he be able to live with the Chungs for the rest of his life as their child?" and "Would they ever have been allowed to adopt Chenguang themselves?". I don't have the answers to those questions. If it hadn't been us though, it would have probably been another family that adopted him...though I do believe in my heart that God spoke to me that day and that is how I immediately knew he was our son. The fact is that this journey in life for Garrett was planned and ordained by God long before we ever knew him... maybe at the beginning of time and life itself. But I will tell you that regardless of all of my thoughts and feelings here, I feel so much sorrow and pain for the Chung family. I wish there was some way that this had not happened to THEM in particular...They are so kind and loving. How is it that we live our lives as good, loving people and we "lose" people that we love? How is it that in pain we find joy? Why do bad things happen to good people? I believe the Chung's reward will be GREAT in Heaven. I still feel so unbelievably sad though for them.

I hope and pray that someday Garrett realizes that he has so many people in his life that love him here and in China. I used to think more about Garrett's biological family, those that gave him life and the right to live. I still think about them and wonder about them. But he also has this amazing family in China that truly loved him and cared for him and bonded to him and considered him to be just as special as their own biological children. He was their son. Van said that the Chungs stated that Chenguang even looked like their own children when they were young. That made it even harder for them to say good-bye to him. In their eyes, he was their baby. I hope he knows how much we love him too. We are his forever family here in the states. The Chungs are his family in China. He just happens to have two forever families now. And for that, God, we are forever thankful and blessed!

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